I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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