Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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