Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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