just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
