you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
