i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
