Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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