your parents love me but you hate me
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
