No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
