i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
