we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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