If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
