The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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