R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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