You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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