News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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