I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
