I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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