I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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