woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
