I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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