i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
