How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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