What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
