He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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