she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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