Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
