If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
