as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
