I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize