Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
