I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
