I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
