New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just invented taco cereal.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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