What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
