Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
