In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
