Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
