just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize