He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
