I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
