Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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