somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize