I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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