Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
