went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
