Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize