apparently the secret to your success is patron
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
