he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
