You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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