smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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