my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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