my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
