he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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