Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize