sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
