i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I didn't notice because vodka
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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