Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
