i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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