My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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