I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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